Second Draft : "I Believe Essay"

Second Draft: “I Believe Essay”

I believe in living a healthy and active life style. I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease when I was 14 years old. Crohn’s disease is an inflammatory bowel disease. It causes swelling, bleeding, and discomfort in your intestines. It is also classified as an auto-immune deficiency. That means the body’s immune system reacts abnormally, mistaking bacteria, foods, and other substances for being foreign. The immune system’s response is to attack these “invaders” which can cause irritation, swelling, and bleeding.

 I never took it seriously, until it was almost too late. February of 2009 I was hospitalized for over a week and needed to have major surgery on my intestines. The disease ate away the walls of my intestines causing major bleeding. This problem could have been avoided by a healthy diet and more exercise.

I had to wait 4 months after my surgery before I was able to do any kind of physical activities. This included work, which made things very difficult financially. It took almost a year before I was feeling “normal”, however, my body was still very week. It was at that point I knew I needed to start exercising more to help battle this disease. I started exercising and began feeling much better

 Unfortunately, exercise wasn’t enough. January of 2010, my liver began shutting down because of all the medications I had been prescribed. The Doctor’s immediately told me to stop the 12 pills a day I had been taking since my surgery. I began doing my own research, and found that a healthy diet is what I had been missing in my battle with Crohn’s. I started a strict diet to cleanse my body of all toxins for 3 months. This consisted of only certain fruits and vegetables.  After that, I slowly began introducing pasta, bread, and more variety of fruits and vegetables to my diet. Almost a year after starting this diet, I included chicken and fish.

I am grateful that I am now healthy enough to take the right steps to live a long healthy life. Eating healthy meals is extremely important to me. If I don’t eat healthy meals, and snacks throughout the day, I will get an upset stomach and pains. This can ruin my day whether I’m at work, school, exercising, or just relaxing. I must keep with my diet to live an effective life and get everything done I need to.

I also must stay active and exercise 4 to 6 times a week. I need to keep my body in shape to help battle my disease. I have so much more energy when I work out, and this is very important because Crohn’s drains your energy levels. Exercise also helps keep a strong immune system, which Crohn’s also diminishes.

It has been almost 2 years since my last prescription and I am feeling great. My intestines and liver are functioning properly. By eating healthy and exercising, I have saved myself from my disease.

Post Write / Second Draft: “I Believe Essay”

Added an explanation of what Crohn’s disease is and how it affects my body.

Added how my liver is now, after my diet and exercise and no prescriptions.

Removed a few sentences that weren’t needed.

Moved some information around to help understand more clearly.

Rebuilt some sentence structures. 

I Believe Essay

I believe in living a healthy and active life style. I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease when I was 14 years old. I never took it seriously, until it was almost too late. February of 2009 I was hospitalized for over a week and needed to have major surgery on my intestines. The disease ate away the walls of my intestines causing major bleeding. This problem could have been avoided by a healthy diet and more exercise.

I had to wait 4 months after my surgery before I was able to do any kind of physical activities. This included work, which made things very difficult financially. It took almost a year before I was feeling somewhat back to normal physically. I began playing softball and basketball again that summer. I didn’t feel right, my body was still very week. It was at that point I knew I needed to start exercising more to help battle this disease.

Now that I was exercising I was feeling much better. Unfortunately, that wasn’t enough. January of 2010, my liver began shutting down because of all the medications the doctors had prescribed to me. The immediately told me to stop taking the 12 pills a day I had been taking since my surgery. This was when I did my own research and found that diet was what I had been missing in my battle with Crohn’s. I was on a strict diet to detox my body for 3 months. This consisted of only certain fruits and vegetables.  After that, I slowly began introducing pasta, bread, and more variety of fruits and vegetables. Almost a year after starting this diet, I started eating chicken and fish along with the rest of the foods. 

I am grateful that I am now healthy enough to take the right steps to live a long healthy life. Eating healthy meals is extremely important to me. If I don’t eat healthy meals, and snacks throughout the day, I will get an upset stomach and pains. This can ruin my day whether I’m at work, school, exercising, or just relaxing. I must keep with my diet to live an effective life and get everything done I need to.

I also must stay active and exercise 4 to 6 times a week. I need to keep my body in shape to help battle my disease. I have so much more energy when I work out, and this is very important because Crohn’s drains your energy levels. Exercise also helps keep a strong immune system, which Crohn’s also diminishes.

It has been almost 2 years since my last prescription and I am feeling great. By eating healthy and exercising, I have saved myself from my disease.

diagnostic essay

I believe that all schools should adopt the use of technology. It will allow students to learn subjects easier as well as locate information easier. However I don't believe the schools should get rid of their books. The more resources as well as ways of finding information, the better.

Schools must be careful how they integrate technology so that they don't upset or loose to many people. Lots of students and teachers enjoy reading books, and to get rid of them completely would cause problems with these people.   “I wouldn’t want to ever get rid of any of my books at home, I like the feel of them too much. A lot us are wondering how this changes the dignity of the library, and why we can’t move to increase digital resources while keeping the books.’’

Younger students will adapt to this integration much easier. We are growing up in a time where technology is everywhere and is used everyday. Older students and teachers will have a harder time adjusting because they were not raised with all the technology we have today. 

Teachers would also have an easier time teaching. Students would much rather work with a computer to learn, than sit behind a desk with a textbook. There are now computer games to help learn to read, count, spell, type and so much more for younger students. When students are having fun, they learn so much more, much easier. There are also great learning devices for older students, and endless ways of gathering information quickly and easily.